Survival of the Laziest
by mhk_depoisson

THEME

Surviving in a job and deserving the position you hold should never be considered two sides of the same coin. Look around, and you will see the most undeserving, the least creatively inclined employees not only survive, but also flourish in their jobs.

DAY ONE

Right from your first day at work, the art of survival involves a certain amount of strategic thinking and planning. Initially, you might have to tax your brains to come up with ways and means by which to avoid getting sacked. But once you are well entrenched in your job, you can give your brain the well-deserved rest it requires.

SURVIVAL TRICKS

Few tricks on SURVIVING in a job without really deserving to:

COAX YOURSELF INTO EVERYONES AFFECTIONS:

Spend your time in office writing chapters upon you in the good books of your juniors and seniors with your flattering generosity, sunny disposition and helpful attitude [THOUGH YOU QUALIFY COMPLETELY OPPOSITE]. Praise your respective bosses for their ‘vision’ and ‘forward thinking’ policies [THOUGH THE RESPECTIVE BOSS MAY BE THE WORST CASE OF A CRACKED NUTSHELL]. You should be ready to do anything that anyone wants, which may include getting movie tickets for your colleague’s wife, to making tea or coffee for anyone wanting it. That’s not really hard work, given that all these favors will save you in situations when you are drowning alone for being messed up with the utmost important assignment or just screwed up an anticipated project.

PLAY IMPORTANT:

Nothing works better than acting as if the universe revolves around you. You have to walk tall and feel important to make your presence felt in your company. Talk about how your colleagues in the last place you worked in, could not get a project off the ground without your help [THOUGH NOBODY MUST HAVE EVEN KNOWN YOUR EXISTENCE]. Or how your boss only depended on you to get things done [though you must have got innumerable GPL’s from your RESPECTIVE BOSS]. Be a little bureaucratic in an office that believes in democratic norms and a dressing down culture.

TALK BIG:

It will work for quite some time, till your colleagues see through you. Let your talks make you feel to be a goddamn gyan guru [THOUGH MAJORITY OF YOUR TALKS MAY EVEN BE BOUNCERS FOR YOU].

PRETEND TO BE CREATIVE:

Pretend to be creative [THOUGH YOU MIGHT BE SPELLING THE WORD WITH A “K” MAKING IT “KREATIVE”]. This is especially true for media, television production, movies, advertising and architecture businesses, which requires dollops of imagination and extra scoops of creativity. Inspiration does not strike everyday, and most creative people are allowed to go through days of not putting in any work. Also remember, creative guys tend to fall sick more often than the normal slot [DAMN HA (aaaaahhhhh!) RD WORK]. After all, it takes a lot of personal effort to produce an award-winning wo (AAAAAHHHHH) rk [YOU MIGHT STILL NOT KNOW HOW AND WHAT WENT WRONG THAT YOU GOT AN AWARD]. After getting the award [FOR A DUMMY CREATIVE CHUNK AN AWARD IS A VISA POWER] you are allowed to take days off or even leave office early or take off on a holiday on any laid back beach, on the pretext of needing a break or feeling sick.

LOOK BUZ [S] Y:

You don’t have to work for that. Take a look at the hundreds and thousands of emails you have received, from friends, from colleagues, from sweetheart(s), from family, from matrimonies, from astrologer slots and many more [FOR A BUSY CHAP HAS MORE MAILS THAN THE BMC PERSONNEL COMPLAINTS]. You might also roam around in your office as if you are looking for someone [IF YOU AINT LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, STILL ROAM AS WITHIN THE CITY (read office) BOUNDARY ROAMING IS ABSOLUTELY FREE].

BROWSE SHAMELESSLY:

Browse shamelessly. But go on the war if someone criticizes. Make them aware for how you have to work even when you are not ‘too well’, how you have to stay late in office [SO WHAT IF ALL YOU DO IS HANG AROUND WITH YOUR COLLEAGUES IN THE DESIRE THAT ONE OF THEM WOULD TAKE YOU OUT FOR A DRINK]. Talk about how you need to stay away from office to get your imagination ticking again, and how round the clock work can kill the super artistic individual within you [NO WORRY EVEN IF THAT INDIVIDUAL AT THAT MOMENT IS DAMN ASLEEP]. Do some work in between, SORRY, I meant try and get some work done [SERIOUS APOLOGY]. Too long of playing important and pretending to be creative or busy won’t get you far, until you have at least some work to back you. So once in a while, try and get through a project or at least come up with a bright idea. Even the most moronic of us have our good days.

LOOK FOR ANOTHER JOB:

You can get away with all the above only for some time, but can’t sustain it for the rest of your life. Learn to know when your time is up, and when people have begun understanding what you really are. Then start searching for another job and when you land one, refer to this guide again